Author: Flat Earth Times News Desk

Magical Curse Forbids Republican Politicians From Endorsing Democrats

Posted on: December 12, 2017 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: #ReaganCurse, Bhutan, Condoleezza Rice, Democrats, Doug Jones, Jigme Singye Wangchuck, Magic Curse, Neil Gordon, Ouija, Racist Rapists, Republicans, Ronald Reagan, Roy Moore, University of Alabama

BIRMINGHAM – Scientists and religious experts today discovered a magical curse that appears to prevent Republican politicians from endorsing Democrats in American elections. “This was an extraordinary discovery of deductive […]

Doug Jones Campaign Brimming with Confidence After Eighth White Voter Pledges Support

Posted on: December 11, 2017 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: Alabama Special Senate Election, Birmingham, Doug Jones, Roy Moore

BIRMINGHAM – The Senate Campaign of Democrat Doug Jones received a much-needed boost in Alabama today as Jim, an insurance agent in Birmingham, became the eighth white voter in the […]

Why Are the Republicans Russiang This Tax Bill?

Posted on: December 5, 2017 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: Bill Mueller, Cross the Rubicon, Democrats, Fiscolillusion, Flynng, General Michael Flynn, hammer and sickle, Lenin, Moscow, Putin, Republicans, Revolution of 17, Russia, Russian puns, Russiang, Soviet, Stalin, tsarting

Questions remain over the tax overhaul Republicans are currently trying to conference into one passable bill – namely, why are they Russiang the bill through Congress so quickly? Democrats allege […]

As Media Shifts Focus to Tax Bill, Trump Desperately Takes Dump on South Lawn

Posted on: December 1, 2017 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: black athletes, Distractions, Dump, GOP, Matt Lauer, Poop, President Trump, Republican Tax Bill, Senate Tax Cut Plan, Vice President Mike Pence, White House South Lawn

WASHINGTON – President Trump, eager to sign a massive tax cut into law as the first major legislative achievement of his tenure, this morning took the unusual step of having […]

Senate Republicans Add Scrotum-Cleansing for Top Earners into Tax Cut Bill

Posted on: November 30, 2017 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: Arkansas, Ball-washing, Republican Senate Tax Cut Plan, Scrotum-Cleansing, Tax Cut, The Hamptons

WASHINGTON – Senate Republicans, working feverishly to shore up support for a deeply unpopular tax plan, added scrotum-cleansing as an additional benefit to the top tax bracket to the bill […]

I.C.E. Hires Big Bad Wolf to Test Border Wall Prototypes

Posted on: November 23, 2017 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Nation, World
Tags: Big Bad Wolf, Border Wall, Mexican Border, Pig, President Trump

SAN DIEGO – President Trump’s proposed wall on the US border with Mexico is moving forward, and US Immigrations and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has employed the services of the Big […]

Senate Tax Cut Plan Accused of Sexual Assault

Posted on: November 20, 2017 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: Congress, Fay Keperzon, House, Juiz Desgurl, MONSTER, Notta Riyu Naimu, President, Republicans, Senate, Sexual Assault, Tax Overhaul Plan

WASHINGTON – The Republicans’ tax overhaul plan was accused this weekend of sexual assault by several different women, the culmination of a growing wave of sexual assault revelations in both […]

ANALYSIS: Senate Write-In Campaign Impossible Because Alabama Can’t Read

Posted on: November 14, 2017 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: Analysis, Nation
Tags: Alabama, Alabama Special Senate Election, Alaska, Democrat, Doug Jones, Gef Seshuns, Luther Strange, Republican, Roy Moore, Write-In

Republicans are in a bind in Alabama. Republican Senatorial efforts to derail the candidacy of Roy Moore in the Alabama Special Senate election have been unsuccessful. Judge Moore, battling claims […]

Republicans Unable to Decide Between Tax Cuts for Millionaires, Basic Integrity

Posted on: November 13, 2017 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: Alabama, Basic Integrity, Fox News, GOP, Republicans, Roy Moore, Tax Cuts for Millionaires

WASHINGTON – As Republican Judge Roy Moore plows on through accusations of molesting teenage girls in the Alabama special Senate Election, Republicans nationally are flummoxed. Republicans are weighing their options […]

NJ and VA Republicans Send Thoughts and Prayers to Ballot Boxes

Posted on: November 9, 2017 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: #thoughtsandprayers, 2018, Ed Gillespie, GOP, Kim Guadagno, New Jersey, Republicans, Richmond, Thoughts and Prayers, Virginia, Woodbridge

RICHMOND – Republican voters in New Jersey and Virginia sent thoughts and prayers (#ThoughtsAndPrayers) to their voting precincts on Tuesday, hoping to hold off a wave of Democrats eager to […]