Category: “News”

The Times of the Flat Earth we live on.

World Jealous of Taliban Prisoner for not Knowing Trump was President

Posted on: November 9, 2017 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", World
Tags: Afghanistan, Canada, Janne Olson, Joshua Boyle, President, Taliban

TORONTO – Worldwide showers of envy have rained down on Joshua Boyle, a Canadian-American man recently released along with his family from an isolated five-year imprisonment by the Taliban, for […]

Houston Magically Restored After World Series Win

Posted on: November 6, 2017 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", Nation, Sports
Tags: dioxin, Houston Astros, Hurricane Harvey, Magic, Mark Cornin, Miracle, Mr. Clean, University of Texas, World Series

HOUSTON – Reeling for weeks since the catastrophic flooding of Hurricane Harvey, the great city of Houston has been restored to perfect condition, perhaps by the gods, following the World […]

Fox News Debuts “Shiny Object Dangling”

Posted on: November 2, 2017 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", Distractions, Nation
Tags: Bristol, Fox News, Jacqui Manning, Ohio, Sam Schnatter

NEW YORK – Fox News, the top cable news provider in the United States, debuted its newest program last night, Shiny Object Dangling. The primetime show features various items of […]

Entire Trump Administration Derailed by ‘Perfect’ Late-Night Comedy Joke

Posted on: October 30, 2017 by DenzelWashington
Categories: "News", Distractions, Nation
Tags: Bipartisan Report, CBS, Comedy Central, Late Show, President, Quartz, Salon, Stephen Colbert, the Daily Show, Trevor Noah, Tumblr, Vice, Vox

NEW YORK – The Trump Administration has come to a crashing halt, with all executive branch offices of the federal government vacated as of 8:00 AM Monday.  The apparent cause […]

Local Gamestop Employee Tired of Gary Johnson’s Awkward Flirting

Posted on: October 26, 2017 by DenzelWashington
Categories: "News", College, Nation
Tags: Albuquerque, Anita Parker, Bill Weld, Call of Duty Modern Warfare I, Gamestop, Gary Johnson, Libertarian

ALBUQUERQUE – Local Gamestop employee Anita Parker reported last Friday that she was growing sick and tired of former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson’s awkward flirting and cheesy pickup lines, […]

Trump Administration Condemns Post-2016 Politicizing of Dead Soldiers

Posted on: October 24, 2017 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: 2016, Benghazi, Niger, President, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee-Sanders, Tweet, White House Chief of Staff General John Kelly

WASHINGTON – The Trump Administration is coming down hard on Democrats and journalists whom they accuse of politicizing US soldiers killed in combat, something they insist has not been acceptable […]

Gen. John Kelly Momentarily Forgets President Trump Exists

Posted on: October 20, 2017 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: Benghazi, General John Kelly, Gold Star Families, Humayun Khan, La David Johnson, Libya, Niger, President Trump, White House Chief of Staff

WASHINGTON – White House Chief of Staff General John Kelly had a momentary brain fart at a press conference yesterday, forgetting, despite his best efforts, to recall the name, character, […]

Republicans Propose Orchestrating Neutron Star Collision to Pay for Tax Cuts

Posted on: October 19, 2017 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Nation, World
Tags: Cape Canaveral, Democrats, Dr. Ellen Stofa, Morgan Freeman, NASA, Neutron Star Collision, Republicans, tax cuts for the wealthy

CAPE CANAVERAL – Republican leaders in Congress have unveiled a bill to orchestrate a massive neutron star collision next to Earth, hoping to create an enormous supply of gold to […]

The Onion Sues Trump Administration for Stealing All Their Ideas

Posted on: October 17, 2017 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: Fake News, Kurt Mueller, President Trump, The Onion

CHICAGO: The Onion, a satirical news source known for outrageous headlines of impossible-to-believe stories, is suing the Trump Administration for stealing so many of their ideas and attempting to make […]

University of Virginia Students, Furious at Trump and Republicans, Unsure what to do Instead of Voting on Election Day

Posted on: October 12, 2017 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", College, Nation
Tags: #Resist, Charlottesville, Democrats, Election Day, Love Conquers All, New Jersey, President, Republicans, Rethuglicans, Virginia

CHARLOTTESVILLE: Students at the University of Virginia here in Charlottesville are angry, and with Election Day approaching fast, many are struggling to come up with what to do instead of […]