Switzerland Ruins Korean Peace Effort

Posted on: February 11, 2018 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", Sports, World
Tags: 2018 Winter Olympics, Alina Muller, Coach Sarah Murray, Cool Runnings, Grand Marshal Kim Jong-un, Jogn Su-hyon, John Candy, North Korea, PyeongChang, Sojung Chin, South Korea, Swiss national hockey team, Switzerland, Team Korea

♪ Some people, you know they can’t believe! ♬ Korea has a unified ho-ckey team! ♪ PYEONGCHANG – Team Korea’s team could be heard singing this tune as they marched […]

Jeb Bush to Emerge from Bedroom for First Time in Two Years

Posted on: February 8, 2018 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", Jebwatch, Nation
Tags: Affordable Care Act, Barbara Bush, Energy bars, Jeb Bush, Jebwatch, Miami, Monster Energy

MIAMI – Jeb Bush, former Governor of Florida, announced yesterday that he would be leaving his bedroom for the first time since quitting the 2016 presidential race two years ago. […]

Philadelphians Suddenly Not Terrible People Anymore

Posted on: February 6, 2018 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", Nation, Sports
Tags: Betty Vaunto, City of Brotherly Love, Constitutional Convention, Eagles, Fly Eagles Fly, Gordon Paselti, Harmon Thomas, Joe Frazier, New England Patriots, Philadelphia

PHILADELPHIA – After decades of frightening reports, violent tailgates, and rambunctious viral videos, Philadelphia’s iconic and obnoxious sports fans suddenly and unexpectedly became kind, gracious, professional, intellectual ladies and gentlemen […]

Local Woman Impressed with President Trump for not Defecating Pants During SOTU

Posted on: January 31, 2018 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: Cornelius, Fucking Karen, Mourmont, North Carolina, Orrin Hatch, Poop his pants, President Donald J Trump, SOTU, State of the Union

RALEIGH – A local suburban mother of three was very impressed with President Trump’s State of the Union Address last night, highlighting his successful effort to hold his bowels as […]

Democrats Fear Losing Dozens of Voters if they Embrace Legal Weed

Posted on: January 29, 2018 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", College, Nation
Tags: Chris Christie, Democratic National Committee, DNC, Jef Sessions, Joe Schmo, Marijuana, November 2018 midterm elections, Phil Murphy, pot, President Trump, Prohibition, Tom Perez, weed

WASHINGTON – Democratic leaders are shaking over a potential loss of support if more of their prominent voices come out in support of ending national marijuana prohibition. New Jersey’s newly […]

New York Liberals Threaten to Vote Joe Manchin Out in West Virginia Primary

Posted on: January 24, 2018 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: Alabama, Brooklyn, DACA, Doug Jones, Government Shutdown, Heidi Heitkamp, Indiana, Jessica Ringwatt, Joe Donnelly, Joe Manchin, Michelle Obama, Moving Creedence, New York, North Dakota, San Francisco, The People for Bernie Sanders, West Virginia

NEW YORK OR CHARLESTOWN: New York Democrats are targeting West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin and pledging not to vote for him in their Democratic primary on June 26th, 2018. Mr. […]

Barrage of Instagram Posts from Manhattan Women’s March Successfully Convert Red States into Blue States.

Posted on: January 22, 2018 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Nation, Propaganda
Tags: Blue States, California, Democrats, Manhattan, MyBody, New York, Red States, Republicans, resistance, Town Stages Studio, Women's March

NEW YORK – Millions of registered voters who cast their ballots for now-President Trump and congressional Republicans across rural America expressed complete reversals in their political ideologies over the weekend, […]

White House Physician: President Trump Can Walk On Water

Posted on: January 18, 2018 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: broccoli, cheeseburgers, Dr. Ronny L. Jackson, Jesus, President Trump, walk on water

WASHINGTON – Official White House Physician Ronny L. Jackson assured reporters on Wednesday that President Trump is not only healthy, but he can walk on water as well. “The President […]

President Trump Informed that Hawaii is Part of US

Posted on: January 15, 2018 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Nation, World
Tags: Ballistic Missile, Carmen Sandiego, False Alarm, Hawaii, Kenya, Missile, Obama, President Trump, shitholes

WASHINGTON – White House advisors spent several hours on Sunday explaining to President Trump that the archipelago of Hawaii is in fact part of the United States. A false ballistic […]

Hillary Clinton Spotted Wearing Oprah Costume

Posted on: January 11, 2018 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", College, Nation
Tags: 2020, Brooklyn, Democratic Primary, Millennial, Oprah Winfrey, President

NEW YORK: Former US Secretary of State and 2016 Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton was spotted putting on an Oprah Winfrey bodysuit in an abandoned warehouse in Brooklyn yesterday morning. […]